Fun quotes to start your weekend

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, “What is this Pilates mat doing out?”
—Amy Schumer

I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.
— Emo Philips

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
— Jerry Seinfeld

I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.
— Richard Pryor

The thing that attracted me to my husband was his pride. I'll never forget the first time I saw him, standing up on a hill, his hair blowing in the breeze — and he too proud to run and get it.
— Jean Carroll

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full-time job and children.
— Bill Hicks

If I ever do a nude scene, I want to be in shape just enough so nobody calls me "courageous" for doing it.
— Ali Wong

I went to a place to eat. It said “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered french toast during the Renaissance.
— Steven Wright

To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in mail one day and be like, "I'm Secretary of State next month!"
— Wanda Sykes

I like an escalator, man. Because an escalator cannot break. It just becomes stairs.
— Mitch Hedberg